Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead in his tracks again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot responded, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1:  "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2:  "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem:    "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem:  "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem:  "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem:  "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:  "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem:  "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:  "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem:  "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem:  "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

This is a true story....

Introductory Chemistry of Duke has been taught for about a zillion
years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately
known as "Bonkistry."  He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put
it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry
and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes,the midterms,labs,ect.,
such that going into the final exam they had a solid "A".  These two
friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before
finals week (even though the Chemistry Final was on Monday), they
decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers
and everything, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to
Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then,
they went to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him
why they had missed it. They told him that they went up to UVa for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they
had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't
get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So,
they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk
had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them
a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem,
which was something simple about morality and solutions and was worth
5 points.  "Cool", they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did
that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however,
for what they saw on the next page.  It said:

                     (95 points)  Which Tire?


      A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was
      attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

      When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is
      this a union house?"

      "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

      "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

      "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

      Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man
      stomped off down the street in search of a more
      equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

      His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
      where the madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a
      union house."

      The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the
      girls get?"

      "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

      "That's more like it!"  the UPS man said.  He looked
      around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive
      blonde.  "I'd like her for the night."

      "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then,
      gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the
      corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Something to think about;

Is your computer male or female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1.  No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3.  The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

4.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5.  As soon as you make a commitment to one,  you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists  (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they  were male.  Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1.  They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2.  They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3.  As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5.  Big power surges knock them out for the  rest of the night.

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