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Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left
inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost
replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test
flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland
not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2
Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller
seepage normal."
Problem #2:
"#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem:
"The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES
NOW."
Problem: "Something
loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something
tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence
of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence
removed."
Problem: "DME
volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume
set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead
bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs
on order."
Problem: "Autopilot
in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot
reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF
inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative
in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction
locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's
what they're there for."
Problem: "Number
three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine
found on right wing after brief search."
This is a true story....
Introductory Chemistry
of Duke has been taught for about a zillion
years by Professor
Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately
known as "Bonkistry."
He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put
it past him to come
up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there
were these two guys who were taking Chemistry
and who did pretty
well on all of the quizzes,the midterms,labs,ect.,
such that going into
the final exam they had a solid "A". These two
friends were so confident
going into the final that the weekend before
finals week (even
though the Chemistry Final was on Monday), they
decided to go up to
University of Virginia and party with some friends.
So they did this and
had a great time. However, with their hangovers
and everything, they
slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to
Duke until early Monday
morning. Rather than taking the final then,
they went to find
Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him
why they had missed
it. They told him that they went up to UVa for the
weekend, and had planned
to come back in time to study, but that they
had a flat tire on
the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't
get help for a long
time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this
over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following
day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So,
they studied that
night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk
had told them. He
placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them
a test booklet and
told them to begin. They looked at the first problem,
which was something
simple about morality and solutions and was worth
5 points. "Cool",
they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did
that problem and then
turned the page. They were unprepared, however,
for what they saw
on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which Tire?
THE UPS WORKER
A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was
attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local
brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is
this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man
stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
where the madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a
union house."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the
girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked
around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive
blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then,
gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the
corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Is your computer male or female?
As you are aware, ships
have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes",
or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group
of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also
be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion
follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
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